Pigs Arse John!

By Arc Chief Justice of Justice in the Australian Game and correcting behaviour of the destroyers of the Australian Game - Grand Moff Gout

If there is something that the Arc is unable to comprehend it is the doubters out there. The doubters who have the temerity to question the wisdom the Arc possesses about not only the Australian Game but the world at large.

The Arc has ALWAYS questioned the integrity of the Carlton Football Club and recent events have only served to prove that the Arcs wisdom inestimable.

In the last few days that imperialist tool of the Capitalist Running Dogs John Elliot revealed that under his stewardship he paid 'hush money' to several 'sheilas' who alleged they had been sexually assaulted by Carlton players over the years.

This kind of behaviour (and the obvious high regard that Elliot and Carlton hold women) is undeniably reprehensible. One wonders what other skeleton this club has in the rats lair of its history. One only need to kick the door in and the whole filthy rotten structure will fall down.

They tanked to get draft picks. They breached the salary cap to in effect buy flags. They are Carlton. They use the corrupt and exploitative tools of the capitalist class to manage their dodgy affairs (the Arc shed no tears for the passing of that vile exploiter Dick Pratt)

When will the buffoons at AFL house learn that this club is beyond saving? When will they learn that punitive, yet fair, legislation needs to be passed to correct this rotten club?

The Arc proposes thus:

Carlton to be stripped of all its points for the season.

Carlton players not be permitted to wear boots during the game

Umpires to pay one free kick for every player wearing a Carlton jumper during the course of a game.

All gate takings from Carlton home matches donated to the Arcs "Truth in Umpiring Fund"

As keepers of the Sacred Parchments of the Australian Game, the Arc of Infinity has a moral duty to ensure the game remains pure.

Carlton are hurting the game.

You shall not pass!!!!!

by Arc High Performance Manager Foxy Malmsteen

The Arc of Infinity is pleased to report the resounding success of the years first official sitting of the bi-annual "Enquiries into the Misappropriation of the Spirit of The Australian Game at the hands of the corrupt and shadowy figures of the Australian Football League and the fraternity of umpire banditry" which took place recently in the traditional surrounds of the nations capital. As always, the function of these formal gatherings (coined "homo holidays" by the rather vulgar Lady Malmsteen] is to broadly discuss the state of the game, expose flaws in the Demetriou/Anderson/Geishen axis of evil and test the individual members kicking efficiency and gut running capabilities.

Formalities began on Friday night at the Ainslie Footy Club, where the Arc assembled before the big screen following the traditional Vietnamese banquet. The Saints / Carlton blockbuster was a lively affair, punctuated by the world's most annoying Carlton supporter [a bold call I know] repeatedly doing a Rex Hunt "yibadda yibbada" following each Blues goal [now see what I mean?]. Why someone would wish to enrage the Arc in such a manner and consequently put his life in danger was a mystery to all. Fortunately the Arc used it's legendary powers of meditation to transcend the annoyance and channelled it's energies into drafting the 2009 all Australian team. The documentation has been forwarded to Gerard Healy with the expectation it's recommendations be followed implicitly. The Arc will know if it has been dishonoured if Dan Jackson fails to make the side.

Later that night the Arc encountered what can charitably be described as a fucking dickhead clad in a druids robe brandishing a staff on a median strip. Even the Arc's incontestable wisdom was at a loss as to what the fuck he was up to.

Come Saturday and it was time to support grass roots footy. Unlike some jack booted, ivory tower residing, lord of darkness AFL supremos we could mention - the Arc is not too big to get along to local leagues playing at piss ant grounds with third world facilities at a standard which is flat out embarrassing. In this case it was the hard running Ainslie 3rds taking on the might of the Murrumbidgee Juggernauts in the ACT AFL 3rd division. The Arc was looking forward to observing a young prodigy by the name of Alex "Mad Dog" MacKenzie who they viewed as the line breaking ace up the Ainslie sleeve. The Arc believed the attack dog would be best utilised if played one out in the goal square with some limited time on the ball as a burst player.

This view was unfortunately not shared by Ainslie coach Trev who dropped Macca to water running duties. Needless to say this foolish example of Trevistic coaching principles gone mad came back to boot Trev in the nuts as Murrumbidgee Juggernauts smashed the Ainslie Roo's by a fucking shitload (the Arc is embarrassed to put a figure to it, that and the Beards abacus cannot calculate such a high total). The Arc could only shake it's collective head on the sidelines and ponder the absurdity of those who ignore it's prudent advice.

Later that evening the Arc reconvened at the Ainslie footy club to observe a titanic struggle between the West Coast and Richmond powerhouses. The game provided much entertainment with Luke McGuane and Dan Jackson's silky kicking skills providing a rich cocktail of horror and hilarity. Fortunately the power of good prevailed and the one sided and parochial Richmond crowd saw the Tiges get home.

Sadly the trip home was underwhelming in comparison to the previous evening as Flogram - Lord of the Median Strip had been held up at the battle of Helm's Deep and was nowhere to be seen.

The Sword of Attila strikes at so-called Fourth Estate's standards

By Arc Praefectus Kunstkritiker Seamus Neustead

As readers would be aware, the Arc of Infinity is committed to the pursuit of Justice and Truth. While it is clear that the esteemed Arc has high regard for the virtues of integrity and honesty in intellectual discourse, it is not clear that Australian Football’s so-called Fourth Estate shares that regard. In fact, it is painfully obvious that Football journalists are nothing more than deceitful, lying, cheating rodents who dare to put their pen to paper in order to inspire in unsuspecting readers inclinations of mediocrity, shame and prejudice.

One such example of a small and furry, experimental subject is the frothy-mouthed Herald-Sun reporter, Damian Barrett. Barrett’s sole role at the HUN is to muckrake and slander. One can imagine him ponderously searching through the court listings of a daily rag for an opportunity to speculate upon a potential breach of the salary cap.

Barrett holds about as much credibility as a gossip columnist and is about as popular as an old Soviet Union Tractor. After confessing on a television show that he did not cover Football games, Arc-sanctioned Legend of the Australian Game, Matthew Richardson, helpfully suggested that Barrett get out of his cozy office and go down to a training session to see how a club actually operates. Barrett’s response was about as clever as a Kevin Rudd colloquialism and was instantly met with scorn. No doubt his presence down at Punt Road would be as welcome as one.

It is clear that Barrett does not watch Australian Rules Football. Nor does he have any interest in advancing knowledge about the game through accurate reporting and timely analysis. He contributes nothing to public debate on the issues that really matter.

The AFL Umpiring Fraternity and their hatred of Humanity

By Arch Deacon of YouTube embedment Foxy Malmsteen

Last year Monfries International [the Arc of Infinity entertainment division] released the critically acclaimed but poorly distributed action film Bazbot Apocalypse. Here is the E News piece on the film...

At the time many pundits praised the performances of the two leads Nathan St John and Twiggy Rothschild however dismissed the plot as fanciful.

Was it though? Was it really?

On the weekend Swans baritone spearhead Barry Hall once again suffered an onfield brain explosion and once again we inched closer to the horrifying reality of a big bad bustling bazbot apocalypse as foretold in the aforementioned cinematic thrill ride.

It's all too easy to blame our imminent Hall based ruination on the man himself however the Arc believes it is time to reveal the true source of the horrific and inevitable chain of events that will surely destroy us all.

We speak naturally of the multi coloured soft bodied legless larvae whose weekly attempts to flaunt themselves at the expense of our great game is driving every sound minded football fan into a psychotic tail spin Barry himself would be proud to call his own.

Umpires.

The series of 50 metre penalties handed to Hall on the weekend was a classic case of shrill over officiating from a sexually frustrated bed wetting matron fetishist. His over zealous and attention seeking tizz completely ruined what was a perfectly enjoyable game of football and in the process expedited the arrival of a robotic armageddon that will leave our planet a smoking blackened husk.

We hope you're happy Geishen.

It's not the first time the AFL umpiring fraternity has raised the Arc's collective ire and despite numerous sternly worded communiques to the Geish the protests appear to be falling on deaf ears - which is little suprise given the range of damaged senses these buffoons clearly possess and exhibit to a national audience on a weekly basis.

The Arc shall continue to highlight the irresponsible and reckless disregard to the welfare of the game and by extension our dear planet earth however will anyone ever listen?

And if they do will it be too late?

Keep it simple with Tony Shaw

By Arc of Infinity Arts reporter Foxy Wilkins

The Arc often ponders the big questions and they don't come any bigger than "what sort of cinematography does ex Collingwood skipper come wordsmith Tony Shaw enjoy?" Thanks to some insight provided in todays Saints v North clash the answer has been revealed.

As vision of a kick in was rendered via a fixed behind the goals camera looking directly down the ground, Shaw commented "Oh what magnificent camera work".

One can only deduce the vertically challenged D Fens haircut enthusiast cares not for the showy mobile lensing favoured by your Scorseses and DePalmas. Nor would he appreciate the kinetic high energy editing synonymous with Guy Ritchie or Tony Scott.

Nope the Arc is convinced Tony Shaw is much more an appreciator of the clinical, static framing of Austrian Michael Haneke or the unobtrusive indie stylings of Gus Van Sant. Perhaps in lighter moments he'd favour the uncomplicated approach of a Kevin Smith joint, happy to let the script and performances sell the film rather than overt intrusion from the director.

Thank fuck that's settled.

The Arc's Big Footy ban a victory for Nazism

by Junior Vice President of Gut Running Foxy Malmsteen

The withering intellect and candid honesty of The Arc has intimidated, mesmerized and confounded many since it's glorious formation. Yet the truth is the Arc is not designed to frighten - but enlighten, a phrase that not only encapsulates their charter but would also make an excellent pop song should the Arc ever wish to put their not inconsiderable musical gifts towards that end.

Sure the Arc can be known to use the occasional stern phrase in appraising umpiring decisions, AFL house mandates and the existence of Simon Wiggins, however it is up to the subject of these criticisms to respond accordingly. By acknowledging the Arc's superior knowledge in the particular area/s and changing their behaviour accordingly a suitable outcome may be reached satisfactory to all parties.

Which brings us to popular AFL forum BigFooty. The Arc looks kindly on BigFooty's endeavours - fostering dialogue and debate on the game we all love - and sees it as a watered down, mildly retarded, half cocked version of the Arc itself only with drivel and o.c. disorders instead of acumen and prescience.

So you can imagine the Arc's collective shock when their newly formed BigFooty identity was banned after a mere handfull of typically forthright and enlightening posts. Grand Beard Neustead attempted reasoning with the petty despot moderators. However, their jack booted ignorance was not to be swayed. As a result - an entire community of mouth breathing train spotters are left to wallow in a sea of mediocrity whilst an invasion fleet of sagacity floats by.

Just like the 1933 Nazi book burnings and the pulping of 300 copies of Max Walker's Caps, Hats and Helmets in November last year, this unsavoury incident is a victory for stupidity over awsomeness and it will not do.

BigFooty has not heard the last of the Arc.

The Untouchables

By Arc Praetor of Contested Possessions Tony Steel

What is it that compels fans to rail against those men in white?

Some, like tabloid hacksticle Mark Robinson, would say it's simply the fact they're an easy target. Wrong.

Some would say it's because they're simply there. Wrong.

Others would say it's because they make decisions that can and do directly impact on the outcomes of games. Correct.

Couple that with the fact the Capitalist Running Dogs down at AFL Headquarters ensure that virtually no public comment can be made about the petit paddock policemen and you have the fixings of a good old fashion furore.

The utter frustration and vehement anger that is derived from incorrect or puzzling scumpiring decisions is something very real and a testament to the passion of those fans and players involved. It also indicates a great failure on the part of the media and the dark hands at AFL HQ.

Cries of "Umpires are only human " or "It is the fault of the rules committee and the umpires department for creating rubbish rules and then asking the umpires to interpret them in certain ways" often ring out in the nations footballing media. The Arc only partially subscribes to this chorus of insipid excuse making from a bleating pack of retards that serve up what can loosely be described as journalism.

The ARC does agree that the majority of the blame needs to be squarely levelled at the AFL, the rules committee and, the fuhrer of the petit-despots, Jeff Gieschen. But the petit-despots do not get off so lightly. It takes a certain type of person to become an umpire, something that the Arc shall analyse in another entry.

The child eating slugs of capital down at the AFL go to great lengths to protect the 'integrity' of umpires. It legislates in order to suppress dissent from those inside the game, coaches, players, club presidents. Indeed in April this year the anger and hatred(lets not shy away from saying what needs to be said for the Arc shall never cower in the face of totalitarianism dressed as democracy) directed towards the petit-despots reached unrivaled proportions with Hawthorn president Jeff Kennett declaring that umpires were "becoming bigger than the game". In response the AFL insisted that Kennett attend umpire school or the club would face a fine of $5000. However Kennett was unrepentant and refused to be brow beaten by the fascists at AFL House and chose to pay the fine out of his own pocket rather than having to attend umpire school.

For the corrupt and illegitimate AFL this was bad news because Kennett's actions had the effect of mobilising public dissent with supporters finally having someone with enough profile willing to air views that mirrored their own (despite the AFL's attempt at suppressing free speech and silencing dissent). Talk back radio stations and letters to the editor all over the country rang out with hails of support for fascist Kennett and his views on the petit-despots.

Kennett succeeded in making the AFL look weak; he waved the AFL's policy on umpires in their face and made them look as stupid as a Robert Walls comment sounds (as the Arc does whenever it makes comment on that foul and sinister organisation. Walls needs no help). The AFL should have known better than to tangle with a consummate political operator. It was a battle it could never win because Kennett's view found a huge ground swell off support and encouraged a wave of dissent. For that, the Arc applauds Kennett; but only for that, he still remains a representative of a parasitic class so vile as to almost place him at the same level as Demetriou and Anderson.

The amount of dissent shocked the oligarchy at the AFL so much so that it retreated. It retreated to a defensive position where it could weather the storm of public outrage. The AFL felt the sting of something that it has little or no control over; collective action; and it feared it. In the face of such anger the AFL did what any parasite does; it convinced those that it exploits that it had solved the problem.

The Arc has learned through dispatches that the AFL issued a secret edict whereby the petit-despots were instructed to 'put the whistle away'(which, as the Arc suspects, would have made the Giesch see red considering he clearly feels that umpires are a part of the game and should be seen and heard) until the dust from the dissent settles.

The Arc welcomes this edict for the football of the last few weeks has been fast, free flowing and devoid of those fuckballs with the whistle paying ludicrous free kicks which no one understands. However like so many issues, the AFL has handled it in a non-transparent and dark manner and is just one of the reasons the Arc of Infinity does not recognise the AFL. We all know that when the heat goes off the befanged warriors of darkness at AFL House will once again instruct the Giesch, and his troop of power mad gangsters, to umpire the game in a shameful way.

The Arc in its capacity as the keeper of the Sacred Parchments of the Australian Game will be ever vigilant and do all in its power to bring the corrupt and shadowy ravens of the other world to justice.

The Arc of Infinity consults with Richmond about Future Coach

The Arc of Infinity has today confirmed that the Richmond Football Club has been in consultation with its esteemed members in the search for the club’s next coach. Richmond and coach Terry Wallace decided to part ways last Monday after a horror start to the season and weeks of mounting speculation about the coach’s future. Wallace will coach his last game for the club when the Tigers take on the Bulldogs on Friday night it what will no doubt be a mind battle.

Known for its considered objectivity, measured assessments, and relentless pursuit of justice and Truth in Umpiring, the Arc was approached by Richmond to oversee the recruitment process and provide specialist, uninhibited advice to the club. It is not known how many clubs have benefited already from the wise offerings of the Arc but it is rumoured to be many.

Vice Chancellor of Common Sense Foxy Malmsteen is said to emphatically believe the so called “exhaustive process” in anointing the next coach of the RFC should instead be a simple, streamlined procedure that “could be sorted out in the time it takes us to enjoy a meal at the London Tavern”. Malmsteen informed Tiger powerbrokers the Arc has already put a line through several candidates with whom “merely opening their resumes would be a gross misuse of our valuable time”.

Through such actions the Arc has once again displayed its undeniable commitment to justice and integrity and the rightful custodianship of the spirit of Australian Rules Football. His Royal Beardness of The Arc, Beard Seamus Neustead confirmed that “the Arc has for some time harboured serious concerns about the AFL’s apparent malpractice in its treatment of Victorian based clubs such as Richmond. We have long suspected that what motivates these greedy suited men at AFL headquarters is an irrational desire for profitability, disclosed discursively in its phraseology of “growing the game”, and its program to establish clubs in new “markets”, clearly at the expense of existing clubs.”

Noting a plethora of examples of AFL interference in the affairs of the Richmond Football Club, such as its intervention in the Tigers’ recruitment of Tony Lockett, who the AFL had destined for Sydney, the Arc was keen to get involved and right the intolerable wrongs of the past.

Arc Grand Wizard of Forthright Comment Tony Steel concluded that “The AFL is a shadowy organisation that pedals its own filthy, grubby, fly blown agenda with little regard for the game and the damage it does to it. We simply do not recognise the AFL administration as the legitimate keeper of the game nor the AFL itself for that matter. It is an organisation full of shadowy figures, capitalist lackey’s, lawyers and sycophants who continue to damage the institution of Australian Football through pandering to its corporate masters. We are consulting with Richmond not only to help them find a coach but also in order that the blood stained hands of the AFL stay away from the clubs process as much as possible.”

Members of The Arc of Infinity will be available for comment whenever requested (except when Magnum P.I. is on TV1).

For further information about The Arc of Infinity and its forthright views on football go online to http://thearcofinfinity.blogspot.com/ or email thearcofinfinity@gmail.com

The Arc of Infinity Rubber Stamps Bomber Bid for Stand Alone VFL Side

The Arc of Infinity today granted leave for the Essendon Bombers to dump Bendigo as its affiliate in the VFL and enter a stand alone team in Victoria’s premiere state competition next year.

The Arc firmly believes that Bombers listed players are having massive harm wrought upon them by being forced to play with a side that couldn’t win an argument with Michael Voss and his commanding use of the English language.

His Royal Beardness of The Arc, Beard Seamus Neustead said today that “The alignment betwixt the two aforementioned football clubs, which began in 2003, is no longer a tenable one. Essendon is no longer favourably disposed toward the alignment on the basis that Bendigo does not provide a sufficient and appropriate competitive base for AFL listed players to develop, regain form, or prepare in mind and body for AFL level football.”

The Arc also intimated that the AFL are not the keepers of the sacred parchments of footballing lore and should not use the power they have attained through ill-gotten means to censure or block the request from one of the Spiritual Clubs of the game.

“It is a sad state of affairs when such a powerful and proud club has to send its players to the footballing equivalent of the gas chambers at Auschwitz every week.” said Arc Grand Wizard of Forthright Comment Tony Steel.

His Royal Beardness, Beard Neustead went on to add “So that such a proposal not be firmly met with refusal without reserve or disguise by the lordships at AFL Headquarters, the Arc of Infinity would be most pleased to offer its judgment, where it be surely welcomed, in support of Essendon’s proposal.”

Vice Chancellor of Common Sense Foxy Malmsteen concluded that “The sole focus of VFL scheduling should be it’s accessibility to the Arc during its Melbourne visitations. The Arc provide their revered wisdom on players, clubs and umpiring decisions as a courtesy to the VFL and it would be appreciated if some of the same courtesy be returned - rather than the metaphoric water boarding we receive by having to travel to hillbilly whistle stops such as Bendigo.”

Members of The Arc of Infinity will be available for comment whenever requested (except for tea time)