Retardation is the mother of Invention.

By Arc Science and Technology Potentate, Foxy Malmsteen

So Ross Lyon thinks it would be a good idea for the AFL to change the duration of games to two 45 minute halves in the belief it may curtail the current rate of football injuries. I guess that might work.

But while we're at it why not move the goal posts 3 metres wider apart to arrest the worrying decline in set shot goal kicking accuracy? Or introduce bowling pins in the goal square and have players on horseback in an effort to reduce the debilitating effects of irritable bowel syndrome?

Or here's an even better idea. Hows about we leave it the fucking same as it's been for a century and stop trying to invent solutions to problems that don't exist? Yes - the Australian game is a tough and demanding mistress, and occasionally players will feel the ice cold touch of Madame Soft Tissue Injury or the firm hand of Lady Shirtfront. How does one avoid these physical setbacks? Simple. Try your hand at accountancy, event management or jazz bass you fragile little petal and get the freak off the footy ground!!

Lyon of course isn't the first AFL identity to head into the genetics lab of stupidity and recklessly tamper with the laws of nature. It seems every week a coach or commentator will emerge from a putrid haze of smouldering DNA clutching a fresh beaker of retarded ideas he claims will be the answer to the problem of the week. Everyone wants to be the new Sheeds. An innovating genius who makes everyone else look out of touch by thinking outside the box. Well as respected shaman Saboo once wisely stated "the box is there for a reason. It's to keep ball men like you inside it".

The sacred parchments are quite clear on how the Australian Game is to be played and nowhere does it state the laws require constant fiddling, adjusting or tampering. If the would be Sheedses of the world wish to put their creative rule making skillz to work the Arc strongly advises they start a fucking Quidditch Club at their local park and never set foot uponst the hallowed ground of the MCG ever again.

This is not to say the game is perfect in it's current form and requires no alteration or revisions. However the Arc strongly contends things need to be changed back to the way they were for the the Australian game to cleanse itself of the various impurities forced upon it from the corrupt and shadowy mountebanks at AFL house. These changes include the dismantling of the Adelaide and West Coast "franchises", allowing kids to kick the footy on the ground at half time and placing "Razor" Ray Chamberlain back on the sex offenders register where he clearly belongs.