A Mulberry Opines

by Arc Convenor of Ancient Wisdom and Mythology, Seamus Neustead

The build up to the Anzac Day game has long been a source of amusement for the Arc. Each year we wait with pubertal enthusiasm for the assortment of media, football personalities and coaches to roll out the clichéd references to the Diggers and conjure tenuous connections between ANZAC spirit and the Australian Game. For years we have been inspired by traitor and coach of Collingscum, Michael Malthouse’s pugnacious declarations of war against the Bombers and exploiting the legend of the ANZAC to invoke some belligerence in his charges.

This year it is Mark Harvey’s turn and the Arc has not been disappointed. The coach of the purple club, in an effort to assert himself into the Anzac Day goings on, has turned his hand to making political gestures of the sort normally reserved for the likes of Tories or the more senescent among us. That's right, the violaceous coach has weighed into the discussion with the maverick suggestion that all young Australians be given a dose of the cold hard reality their "forefathers" had to endure by being forced into national service. The word “visionary” instantly comes to mind.

These antediluvian ideas of Coach Harvey, we are meant to believe, derive from his own association with wartime through his grandfather, who unlike Harvey himself, served in Darwin toward the end of World War II. In an interesting encounter with language, Coach Mulberry opined: "I think all teenagers should be put through the military and the discipline of life and pay respect to this country through that sort of training." Fortunately we were lucky enough to have access to Magic Alex's patented Electronic SensoMaker™, which not only renders nonsense meaningful but also uncovers the true sentiment behind words. We were able to discern the purpurescent ones meaning as thus: the problem with The Kids these days is that they have no backbone. What better way to prepare kids for those hard won jobs at KFC and the IGA and to assist with paying respect to the only country in the world that provides such highly sought opportunities, than intensive military training!

Despite not being known as a policymaker himself, it is great to see the coach of the empurpled football club still manages to find time to think about the broader issues facing our society. No doubt Greg Combet will be seeking an audience with Harvey to assist with Defence recruitment policy.