A Game For The People

Bloggage By Jaso Fontaine - Arc Peoples Correspondent.

Late last week the Arc offices received a call from a guy called Jason Evans. A lot of you chumps may not know who this chap is and I would be lying if I said the Arc had a clue who this bloke was. This Jason Evans person is the creator/organiser of the Community Cup, a charity event that pitches musos and staff of the Esplanade Hotel agains the those hipsters from from RRR and PBS radio stations in an all out battle for glory on the Australian Game field.

Evo called the Arc and asked if there was a possibility that the Arc as a collective or one of the members could possibly attend the event, judge awards for best on ground, just be there as sign of hope to the 10,000 or so people who turned up and as an inspiration t those who would take the field. As I am the Outposted Melbourne Officer of The Arc of Infinity I took great pride in representing the Arc at the event. Although I did decline the offer to judge best afield and passed that duty on to Rohan Connely of The Age as the Arc only passes judgment on the filth down at AFL HQ and of course others that may wrong us intentionally or unintentionally. You all think Kevin Rudd was dumped because Labor Factions wanted it so?.....Fools.

Without a hint of irony I have to report the Arc could not approve of this event any more if it wanted to. It gets a massive and thunderous wax seal of approval slammed on one the Arc's official approval parchments.

This game embodied almost everything the Arc believes the Australian Game is; a game for the people; it was under officiated; it had women umpires who let the game flow; it had people playing the game that looked like footballers; hair, beards, head bands, big guts; there was mud; they kicked the ball and tried not to handball it; there were numerous streakers and most importantly the PEOPLE WERE ALLOWED ON THE GROUND AT EVERY BREAK TO KICK THE BALL AROUND!

What a glorious sight it was to see hundreds of balls flying through the air at one time. People being unexpectedly hit in the head with errant balls, people being violently knocked to the ground as THE PEOPLE flew against each other in contests.

This event and its organisers received something from the people that the scum at the AFL will never have. A grade, prime fucking respect.

Hey Demetriou you fucking capitalist ball bag, give us the game back and while you're at it put Razor Ray Chamberlain back on the sex offenders register!

Sham posing as comment

By Arc Arbiter of Omniscient Retrospective Future Thinking – Jaso Fontain

On the eve of the Arc's first Plenary Session on Strategies to Bring the AFL to its knees , the Arc’s prognostications have been borne out yet again by reality. Last year the Arc opined the depths that umpiring had plumbed and the precarious position that it had left the Australian Game in. The Arc also argued that the corrupt and evil AFL legislated to protect umpires from any criticism from those involved in the game. The Arc also suggested that the media were complicit in the AFL’s attempts at silencing dissent by not vehemently attacking the petit despotic law keepers. The Arc’s omniscience cannot be questioned after it also called for greater scrutiny of the Chief petit despot himself Jeff Gieschen and the lengths this corrupt running dog of the AFL will go to protect his vile little charges. Only last week the Arc tackled Chief Giesch head on over his defense of umpire cockhead (umpire Matthew Nicholls) after he paid an offensive and game destroying free kick against Sydney’s Shane Mumford for touching North’s David Hale.

It appears that the Arcs wisdom could no longer be ignored with something sensible finally coming from the keyboard of Herald Sun chief football writer Mike Sheahan. General Sheahan urges the AFL’s head propagandist and minister for lies Adrian Anderson to take Chief Giesch to task over some of the decisions made in last weekends round.

The Arc applauds the usually placid and non-revolutionary Sheahan for finally having something to say on this massive issue. While he raised the issue and declared that interpretations of interpretations are confusing (just like that sentence) and possibly even wrong (lets not go too carried away) the Arc condemns Sheahan for not going far enough.

Chief Giesch should be sacked and the umpires made to sit in a room with rabid members of each teams cheer squad (with the exception of illegitimate teams such as West Coast, Adelaide and Fremantle, who deserve to be on the receiving end of poor umpiring decisions) and defend their poor and ridiculously bureaucratic decisions.

But the lack of intestinal fortitude is hardly surprising coming from a’ journalist’ who refuses to ask the tough questions and is merely a pole rider of the AFLocracy. The most damning indictment however is Sheahan’s negligence in not asking for Ray Chamberlain to placed back on the sex offenders register.

This surely is unforgivable.

Knocks to the reader's head

by Arc Media Watchist, Seamus Neustead

Don’t be mistaken, the Arc is a big fan of Brad Sewell. Despite his “backwards man” appearance and awkward gait, he is tougher than most others to have strapped the boots on in the recent era of athleticism and beep tests. He is just below Max Rooke on the Arc’s official hierarchy of Tough Men of the Australian Game. However, unless Brad has additionally been blessed with the Doogie Howser gene, the Arc has no reason to trust Brad’s medical opinions.

Becoming a doctor involves more training than most other occupations. It would take a normal person about 11 years to become a recognized medical doctor. That’s four years of university, four years of medical school, and three years working in a hospital. Brad was born in 1984, was drafted by the Hawks in 2003 and made his AFL debut in 2004 and has played a little over 100 games since. It’s fair to say that football has been a major preoccupation for Brad.

Now why the fuck are two rival newspapers reporting that Brad has given the “all clear” for his team mate, Brent Renouf, to play on the weekend against the Bombers? The story, provided by AAP, reports that Renouf is set to return this weekend on the basis of a response given by Sewell. When asked about the ruckman, who was a late withdrawal for the clash against North Melbourne due to “illness”, Sewell answered that he had “no doubt” that the ruckman would play. Nowhere did the story mention the basis for Sewell’s assessment.

Ok. This is not a criticism of Sewell. Clearly he is trying to remain positive and give its fans some hope that his team will be more competitive against an old foe on the weekend. But the media’s use of Sewell’s assurance for the basis of a story that reports Renouf is fine to play on the weekend is an utter, utter outrage and an example of the media’s contempt for its readership.

It brings to mind one of the polls from The Age recently. Under the title “Knocks to the head”, readers were asked if AFL players should be allowed to return to the field after they have suffered concussion during a game and invited to respond in the negative or affirmative. In a disclaimer at the bottom, The Age kindly reminds us that these polls are not scientific and reflect the opinion only of visitors who have chosen to participate. The polls also reflect a lame attempt to draw readers into the spectacle of disinformation.

Perhaps the disclaimer was implied in the AAP story.

A Mulberry Opines

by Arc Convenor of Ancient Wisdom and Mythology, Seamus Neustead

The build up to the Anzac Day game has long been a source of amusement for the Arc. Each year we wait with pubertal enthusiasm for the assortment of media, football personalities and coaches to roll out the clichéd references to the Diggers and conjure tenuous connections between ANZAC spirit and the Australian Game. For years we have been inspired by traitor and coach of Collingscum, Michael Malthouse’s pugnacious declarations of war against the Bombers and exploiting the legend of the ANZAC to invoke some belligerence in his charges.

This year it is Mark Harvey’s turn and the Arc has not been disappointed. The coach of the purple club, in an effort to assert himself into the Anzac Day goings on, has turned his hand to making political gestures of the sort normally reserved for the likes of Tories or the more senescent among us. That's right, the violaceous coach has weighed into the discussion with the maverick suggestion that all young Australians be given a dose of the cold hard reality their "forefathers" had to endure by being forced into national service. The word “visionary” instantly comes to mind.

These antediluvian ideas of Coach Harvey, we are meant to believe, derive from his own association with wartime through his grandfather, who unlike Harvey himself, served in Darwin toward the end of World War II. In an interesting encounter with language, Coach Mulberry opined: "I think all teenagers should be put through the military and the discipline of life and pay respect to this country through that sort of training." Fortunately we were lucky enough to have access to Magic Alex's patented Electronic SensoMaker™, which not only renders nonsense meaningful but also uncovers the true sentiment behind words. We were able to discern the purpurescent ones meaning as thus: the problem with The Kids these days is that they have no backbone. What better way to prepare kids for those hard won jobs at KFC and the IGA and to assist with paying respect to the only country in the world that provides such highly sought opportunities, than intensive military training!

Despite not being known as a policymaker himself, it is great to see the coach of the empurpled football club still manages to find time to think about the broader issues facing our society. No doubt Greg Combet will be seeking an audience with Harvey to assist with Defence recruitment policy.

The Fish rots from the Head

By Arc Aquatic Funk Olfactorist, Snorty Pike

The Arc of Infinity has no desire to join in the moral outrage over the Melbourne Storm controversy. However, it takes exception to the pathetic attempts of the “club’s” owner, News Limited and its chief executive, John Hartigan, to distance itself from responsibility for the actions of the club.

Performing at a media jamboree yesterday, Chief Hartigan described former Storm CEO Brian Waldron (another Chief) as the “architect” of the club’s salary cap cheating, and joined in the outrage over “what appears to be a highly orchestrated, deeply deceptive fraud in which there was systematic and deliberate concealment of unlawful payments to certain players over an extended period”.

Ok. Before we join the Chief in his outrage let’s back this fucking truck up a bit. Hartigan is the Chief of News Ltd, the “architect” of regular moral panics and the grotto of Angela Shanahan. This fine example of capitalist enterprise has exploited and profited from the stories of victims of some of the most horrific events in the world – for example, while the Black Saturday bushfires killed 173 people, injured at least 400 and affected thousands of others, the Chief was lining the pockets of his shrewd comrades on the back of what some have described as “unethical journalism” (Apparently, a report found, because of the lack of guidance for journalists, the latter had to rely on their own “moral compass”).

Chief Hartigan is probably best remembered for his leadership on the “Right to Know Coalition” what won the Chief an award for journalistic leadership.

How fitting then to reflect on leadership at a time when one of the Chief’s “products” is mired in controversy. Under the old chestnut of the “rats in the ranks” the Chief has conveniently deflected blame from the shadowy enterprise. Leaders and bosses are only too willing to take the credit for the “good work” of their charges. But when it comes to deflecting blame, they only too easily defer to the “individuals responsible”. As the proverb says, “the fish rots from the head” and this latest controversy is but another example of behavior from an organisation that exploits , profits, cheats and lies, and the Chief claims (when it suits him)to be responsible for that organisation.

Thankfully, the Chief offered this modest reassurance: “Make no mistake, News does not tolerate this behaviour.” No, it doesn’t tolerate it. It fucking feeds from it. One thing is certain to come out of this controversy: News Ltd will continue to be at the centre of the moral panic, looking to exploit it for all its worth.

Defending the Indefensible

By Arc Maven for Truth in Umpiring, Withingcleak Clitherswhistle

Of all the things that can raise the ire of The Arc the one that incites a burst of red ragged hatred are umpires paying dumb, dumb, dumb, bureaucratic free kicks based on an event that has no bearing on the game. What also enrages The Arc even further is when dumb autocratic fucks like Jeff Gieschen attempt to mollify public outrage by claiming the contentious decision ‘was there’.

Of course I’m talking about the outrageous free kick paid against Sydney’s Shane Mumford for lovingly touching North’s David Hale before a ruck contest at the venue with a roof in round 4. The Arc firmly concurs with Gerard Healey on the matter when he said of the incident it was merely “basic ruck work” and indeed it was. Umpire Matthew Nicholls (or cockhead as The Arc refers to him) needs a stiff rooting for paying such a ludicrous free kick for an ‘incident’ that would have had no bearing on the game (unlike the goal Hale kicked as a result of the pathetic free awarded him).

The Arc challenges the pathetic running dog of the AFL , Gieschen, to instruct his little band of gangsters not to pay such ludicrous free kicks in the name of what basically amounts to ‘administrative process’ and let the game flow as it is set out in the Sacred Parchments. He should also give up trying to justify decisions that are dumb and should not have been paid in the first instance in order to make it appear that his little band of petty despots never get it wrong. He also needs to instruct the police to place ‘Razor’ Ray Chamberlain back on the sex offenders register.

Retardation is the mother of Invention.

By Arc Science and Technology Potentate, Foxy Malmsteen

So Ross Lyon thinks it would be a good idea for the AFL to change the duration of games to two 45 minute halves in the belief it may curtail the current rate of football injuries. I guess that might work.

But while we're at it why not move the goal posts 3 metres wider apart to arrest the worrying decline in set shot goal kicking accuracy? Or introduce bowling pins in the goal square and have players on horseback in an effort to reduce the debilitating effects of irritable bowel syndrome?

Or here's an even better idea. Hows about we leave it the fucking same as it's been for a century and stop trying to invent solutions to problems that don't exist? Yes - the Australian game is a tough and demanding mistress, and occasionally players will feel the ice cold touch of Madame Soft Tissue Injury or the firm hand of Lady Shirtfront. How does one avoid these physical setbacks? Simple. Try your hand at accountancy, event management or jazz bass you fragile little petal and get the freak off the footy ground!!

Lyon of course isn't the first AFL identity to head into the genetics lab of stupidity and recklessly tamper with the laws of nature. It seems every week a coach or commentator will emerge from a putrid haze of smouldering DNA clutching a fresh beaker of retarded ideas he claims will be the answer to the problem of the week. Everyone wants to be the new Sheeds. An innovating genius who makes everyone else look out of touch by thinking outside the box. Well as respected shaman Saboo once wisely stated "the box is there for a reason. It's to keep ball men like you inside it".

The sacred parchments are quite clear on how the Australian Game is to be played and nowhere does it state the laws require constant fiddling, adjusting or tampering. If the would be Sheedses of the world wish to put their creative rule making skillz to work the Arc strongly advises they start a fucking Quidditch Club at their local park and never set foot uponst the hallowed ground of the MCG ever again.

This is not to say the game is perfect in it's current form and requires no alteration or revisions. However the Arc strongly contends things need to be changed back to the way they were for the the Australian game to cleanse itself of the various impurities forced upon it from the corrupt and shadowy mountebanks at AFL house. These changes include the dismantling of the Adelaide and West Coast "franchises", allowing kids to kick the footy on the ground at half time and placing "Razor" Ray Chamberlain back on the sex offenders register where he clearly belongs.