A Mulberry Opines

by Arc Convenor of Ancient Wisdom and Mythology, Seamus Neustead

The build up to the Anzac Day game has long been a source of amusement for the Arc. Each year we wait with pubertal enthusiasm for the assortment of media, football personalities and coaches to roll out the clichéd references to the Diggers and conjure tenuous connections between ANZAC spirit and the Australian Game. For years we have been inspired by traitor and coach of Collingscum, Michael Malthouse’s pugnacious declarations of war against the Bombers and exploiting the legend of the ANZAC to invoke some belligerence in his charges.

This year it is Mark Harvey’s turn and the Arc has not been disappointed. The coach of the purple club, in an effort to assert himself into the Anzac Day goings on, has turned his hand to making political gestures of the sort normally reserved for the likes of Tories or the more senescent among us. That's right, the violaceous coach has weighed into the discussion with the maverick suggestion that all young Australians be given a dose of the cold hard reality their "forefathers" had to endure by being forced into national service. The word “visionary” instantly comes to mind.

These antediluvian ideas of Coach Harvey, we are meant to believe, derive from his own association with wartime through his grandfather, who unlike Harvey himself, served in Darwin toward the end of World War II. In an interesting encounter with language, Coach Mulberry opined: "I think all teenagers should be put through the military and the discipline of life and pay respect to this country through that sort of training." Fortunately we were lucky enough to have access to Magic Alex's patented Electronic SensoMaker™, which not only renders nonsense meaningful but also uncovers the true sentiment behind words. We were able to discern the purpurescent ones meaning as thus: the problem with The Kids these days is that they have no backbone. What better way to prepare kids for those hard won jobs at KFC and the IGA and to assist with paying respect to the only country in the world that provides such highly sought opportunities, than intensive military training!

Despite not being known as a policymaker himself, it is great to see the coach of the empurpled football club still manages to find time to think about the broader issues facing our society. No doubt Greg Combet will be seeking an audience with Harvey to assist with Defence recruitment policy.

The Fish rots from the Head

By Arc Aquatic Funk Olfactorist, Snorty Pike

The Arc of Infinity has no desire to join in the moral outrage over the Melbourne Storm controversy. However, it takes exception to the pathetic attempts of the “club’s” owner, News Limited and its chief executive, John Hartigan, to distance itself from responsibility for the actions of the club.

Performing at a media jamboree yesterday, Chief Hartigan described former Storm CEO Brian Waldron (another Chief) as the “architect” of the club’s salary cap cheating, and joined in the outrage over “what appears to be a highly orchestrated, deeply deceptive fraud in which there was systematic and deliberate concealment of unlawful payments to certain players over an extended period”.

Ok. Before we join the Chief in his outrage let’s back this fucking truck up a bit. Hartigan is the Chief of News Ltd, the “architect” of regular moral panics and the grotto of Angela Shanahan. This fine example of capitalist enterprise has exploited and profited from the stories of victims of some of the most horrific events in the world – for example, while the Black Saturday bushfires killed 173 people, injured at least 400 and affected thousands of others, the Chief was lining the pockets of his shrewd comrades on the back of what some have described as “unethical journalism” (Apparently, a report found, because of the lack of guidance for journalists, the latter had to rely on their own “moral compass”).

Chief Hartigan is probably best remembered for his leadership on the “Right to Know Coalition” what won the Chief an award for journalistic leadership.

How fitting then to reflect on leadership at a time when one of the Chief’s “products” is mired in controversy. Under the old chestnut of the “rats in the ranks” the Chief has conveniently deflected blame from the shadowy enterprise. Leaders and bosses are only too willing to take the credit for the “good work” of their charges. But when it comes to deflecting blame, they only too easily defer to the “individuals responsible”. As the proverb says, “the fish rots from the head” and this latest controversy is but another example of behavior from an organisation that exploits , profits, cheats and lies, and the Chief claims (when it suits him)to be responsible for that organisation.

Thankfully, the Chief offered this modest reassurance: “Make no mistake, News does not tolerate this behaviour.” No, it doesn’t tolerate it. It fucking feeds from it. One thing is certain to come out of this controversy: News Ltd will continue to be at the centre of the moral panic, looking to exploit it for all its worth.

Defending the Indefensible

By Arc Maven for Truth in Umpiring, Withingcleak Clitherswhistle

Of all the things that can raise the ire of The Arc the one that incites a burst of red ragged hatred are umpires paying dumb, dumb, dumb, bureaucratic free kicks based on an event that has no bearing on the game. What also enrages The Arc even further is when dumb autocratic fucks like Jeff Gieschen attempt to mollify public outrage by claiming the contentious decision ‘was there’.

Of course I’m talking about the outrageous free kick paid against Sydney’s Shane Mumford for lovingly touching North’s David Hale before a ruck contest at the venue with a roof in round 4. The Arc firmly concurs with Gerard Healey on the matter when he said of the incident it was merely “basic ruck work” and indeed it was. Umpire Matthew Nicholls (or cockhead as The Arc refers to him) needs a stiff rooting for paying such a ludicrous free kick for an ‘incident’ that would have had no bearing on the game (unlike the goal Hale kicked as a result of the pathetic free awarded him).

The Arc challenges the pathetic running dog of the AFL , Gieschen, to instruct his little band of gangsters not to pay such ludicrous free kicks in the name of what basically amounts to ‘administrative process’ and let the game flow as it is set out in the Sacred Parchments. He should also give up trying to justify decisions that are dumb and should not have been paid in the first instance in order to make it appear that his little band of petty despots never get it wrong. He also needs to instruct the police to place ‘Razor’ Ray Chamberlain back on the sex offenders register.

Retardation is the mother of Invention.

By Arc Science and Technology Potentate, Foxy Malmsteen

So Ross Lyon thinks it would be a good idea for the AFL to change the duration of games to two 45 minute halves in the belief it may curtail the current rate of football injuries. I guess that might work.

But while we're at it why not move the goal posts 3 metres wider apart to arrest the worrying decline in set shot goal kicking accuracy? Or introduce bowling pins in the goal square and have players on horseback in an effort to reduce the debilitating effects of irritable bowel syndrome?

Or here's an even better idea. Hows about we leave it the fucking same as it's been for a century and stop trying to invent solutions to problems that don't exist? Yes - the Australian game is a tough and demanding mistress, and occasionally players will feel the ice cold touch of Madame Soft Tissue Injury or the firm hand of Lady Shirtfront. How does one avoid these physical setbacks? Simple. Try your hand at accountancy, event management or jazz bass you fragile little petal and get the freak off the footy ground!!

Lyon of course isn't the first AFL identity to head into the genetics lab of stupidity and recklessly tamper with the laws of nature. It seems every week a coach or commentator will emerge from a putrid haze of smouldering DNA clutching a fresh beaker of retarded ideas he claims will be the answer to the problem of the week. Everyone wants to be the new Sheeds. An innovating genius who makes everyone else look out of touch by thinking outside the box. Well as respected shaman Saboo once wisely stated "the box is there for a reason. It's to keep ball men like you inside it".

The sacred parchments are quite clear on how the Australian Game is to be played and nowhere does it state the laws require constant fiddling, adjusting or tampering. If the would be Sheedses of the world wish to put their creative rule making skillz to work the Arc strongly advises they start a fucking Quidditch Club at their local park and never set foot uponst the hallowed ground of the MCG ever again.

This is not to say the game is perfect in it's current form and requires no alteration or revisions. However the Arc strongly contends things need to be changed back to the way they were for the the Australian game to cleanse itself of the various impurities forced upon it from the corrupt and shadowy mountebanks at AFL house. These changes include the dismantling of the Adelaide and West Coast "franchises", allowing kids to kick the footy on the ground at half time and placing "Razor" Ray Chamberlain back on the sex offenders register where he clearly belongs.

Football an artifice? For some, yes!

by Arc underling of reportage, Seamus "Al" Swearingen.

As if the Arc needed any further evidence that Carlton is a filthy, grubby, cheating club that uses its unsavoury connections in the shadowy business world to gain advantage. After securing the services of the once esteemed Chri$ Judd with a steaming hot pile of Richard Pratt’s brass, in return for sham ambassadorial services, the Carlton Filth Club is at it again.

This time it is exploiting connections with “Pokies King” Bruce Mathieson to strip revenue from the Footscray and Richmond Football Clubs and transfer the funds into its own grubby hands. King Bruce (largely a ceremonial title, we believe), a former CFC director, has designs on transferring the leases of two pokies venues controlled by Footscray and Richmond to the CFC. The venues are owned by the Mathieson/Woolworths “venture" - clearly a euphemism for George Hearst-type behaviour!

One of the venues, affectionately known as the “Tiger bar” is situated in the very heart of Tigerland.

Obviously the Arc is under no illusions about the sordid nature of the pokies industry and its relationship with the Australian Game. But we should definitely be under no illusions about the blatant attempts of Carlton to exploit connections in the murky world of chicanery that business types know only too well. Football is indeed merely an artifice for making money for these vile charlatans.

The real power in the Australian Game

We at The Arc are never afraid to shy away from the heavyweight issues surrounding the Australian Game. In fact The Arc is probably the only organisation left in the world of the Australian Game willing to delve deep in to the difficult issues and ask the tough questions of those Pinochet pole riders at AFL house.

I know that all of you will agree with me that the game has been commercialised to the point that capitalist influence in the game is so pervasive that it virtually controls the sport. As a result of sponsorship deals, and the like, private enterprise is able to push its ideology further and further into the Australian game. This ideology (the grubby ideology of the parasite) turns clubs, players, coaching staff and supporters into nothing but exploited walking advertisements. It has a massive impact on how the club operates and models itself. Players are required to appear on television wearing club shirts that are emblazoned with the logos of grubby corporations or businesses. Their training clobber is covered with sponsorship, supporters are even forced to wear club attire which makes them walking billboards, one can’t hang banners of support from grandstands because they cover advertising and finally, and possibly the most sacred of all items, the guernsey, is littered with the stain of the capitalist class.

But what does it really matter? What effect does it have on a club? It has a tremendous effect on the club. The power that corporations wield over clubs is enormous. Take for example a few years ago when the running dogs at AFL house arbitrarily imposed an ‘away jumper’ on clubs. Two of the biggest clubs in the country resisted, Essendon and Collingfilth. They resisted because their constitutions forbade the changing of their jumpers. Club executives and presidents took a stand because of tradition, because of pride, because of history. But did they really? Of course they did because there was nothing serious on line. Tradition matters little to bean counters in football clubs. Where was the fucking outcry when sponsors logos became a part of the jumper? Where was the righteous indignation railing against those dark forces trying to trample on tradition then? There was none because capital holds all the cards. Capital holds the money. Capital holds clubs by the ball bag. Shall I tickle that ball bag? No, how about I scrunch the thing up and try to twist off unless you carry out my bidding?

In the past decade we have seen the rise of clubs presenting themselves as some kind of ‘vehicle of values’. Trying to ingrain certain moral cultures or a set of values at their clubs, values which players are compelled to try and uphold. No longer do they tolerate idiot footballers drinking and being violent and touching chick’s bits and shit. What’s wrong with this I hear some of you dildos asking? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Undertaking that kind of anti-social behaviour is probably reprehensible (who am I to judge) and probably should be condemned if it impinges on innocents. But let us be absolutely clear about all this moralism and club culture for once. The clubs primary concern is now the protection of its sponsor’s brand. That some poor bird has been on the end of an unwanted fingering is of secondary concern. Ensuring that your sponsor’s name is not associated with some gherkin going out, drinking a gut full of beer and driving his car into a family from Werribee is what motivates clubs to take a moral stance or build a certain culture within its walls (thus ensuring your primary source of cashish is maintained). This is nothing but utter hypocrisy and there is nothing the Arc despises more than hypocrisy (apart from perhaps the new Gold Coast mutant). Take for example that ridiculous frozen chicken video which a number of players from the North Melbourne Football Club ‘produced’ last year. It was an unfunny and fairly tasteless video which lead to their major sponsor considering ‘its relationship’ with the club. The club went into damage control and out came the myriad of cracked record responses; players apologising and realising that it may have been offensive etc. The sponsor cracked the whip and the club jumped into line.

Still not convinced? Let me pose you the following scenario which was debated at length at an out of session Arc Council of Philosophical Australian Game Musings plenary session just last week.

Let’s say a superstar of the game, Garry Ablett Jr, Nick Roowodlt, Buddy Franklin, Chri$ Judd (Judd might be a poor example for this scenario, bear with us) fronts up to their club and says “Right that’s it, I object to being a walking advertisement. I detest the corporate nature of the AFL and from now on if you wish me to play for your club I refuse to have any sponsor’s logo’s, branding or anything to do with advertising on any of the clothing that I represent the club in. I object to the commodification of my body for the purpose of advertising. I’m willing to take a substantial pay cut and I will continue to play my guts out for this club.”

Besides the absurd nature of the scenario, it raises a number of excellent questions about the power that capital holds over Australian Game clubs. What would the club do? Would it risk losing its sponsors because its marque player refuses to wear their filthy logos? Would it risk losing its marque player because it refused to allow him to wear no sponsorship? How hard would capital push clubs to make its marque player wear its advertising? Would other clubs pick up the superstar if his current club enforced its advertising policy?

The questions don’t end there. What would supporters do? On whose side would the supporters fall? What would the media do? Would it support capital (in essence itself) or would it back the player? The Arc suspects the media would single the player out as being some kind of radical that just doesn’t accept that the modern game is a business. What would the AFL do? We know what the AFL would do!

The Arc agreed unanimously that clubs would not hesitate to dump the player with other potential clubs being scared away from recruiting him by the potential loss in revenue.

Another excellent example is the rage the depraved and corrupt AFL felt at players cutting their socks off at ankle length and inadvertently cutting the AFL logo from the sock. The AFL issued edicts threatening fines if players undertook the practice and no logo could be seen. This from an organisation that is merely a channel that allows capital to flow through it, imagine the uproar if sponsors were suddenly cut out by a marque player refusing to be their bitch.

As usual the Arc is correct in its assessment of the power that capital holds over clubs and the corrupt running dogs at AFL house and once again the Arc is forced to carry out its eternal struggle against these two parasites that suck the life from the Australian game.

2010 Season Preview

It is with growing anticipation and a warm fuzzy feeling in the bottom of our stomachs that The Arc welcomes the beginning of another season of the Australian game.

The off season has been marred by the treacherous and vile Gold Coast entity actively seeking to poach star players from legitimate clubs within the heartland. Their shameless efforts to poach rising Tiger star Trent Cotchin would have tempted a less noble young gentleman however as the Arc expected he chose the path of goodness and light over the cheap tawdry baubles and snakeskin oil offered by the northern flim flammers. Our only regret is that Trent failed to notify the Gold Coast of his intentions via an envelope filled with faeces as per the Arc's suggestion.

Of course, Guy McKennas dead eyed zombie horde continues to march and are still desperately clutching at the living tissue of footballing legitimacy. The mainstream media watch on as Gaz Junior is tempted with piles of unclean sheckles unscrupulously shoveled to them by the hated AFL with nary a whimper of protest. Where is the molten outrage at this assault on common decency? Oh that's right - they are too busy concentrating their hand wringing on Brendan Fevola's lack of class [Next week in the Herald Sun: We discuss how the sun is hot] and Matthew Stokes addiction to 'ludes. Get a grip Sheehan and co.

As it is written in The Sacred Parchments of the Australian game, The Arc has locked itself deep in the bowels of The Grand Chamber of The Arc of Infinity Senate for the past 16 weeks. It has cast a wide net of hot crystal ballage over the coming season to provide you with an accurate and perceptive summary of what should and what will unfold during the course of the year.

There are many things that can change over the off season, players move to different clubs, different coaches, different rules implemented by a dark and shadowy regime. But there are a number of things that remain a constant:

Robert Walls is still a fuck bucket
The AFL remains a corrupt, morally bankrupt, fascisto-capitalist murder of imperialist running dogs
We love Max Rooke
Carlton are despicable
Collingwood are despicable
West Coast are illegitimate
Robert Walls is still a fuck bucket
Adelaide are illegitimate
The Gold Coast ‘franchise’ is offensive and in direct contravention of the Sacred Parchments
The second Sydney team is an affront to good taste, intelligence and football fans the world over
Essendon and Richmond will suffer at the hands of the Scumpire’s again this season
Robert Walls is still a fuck bucket
Mike Sheahan’s Top 50 players list is a contemptible puddle of dog’s vomit.
We Love Max Rooke

What should rightfully happen:

Robert Walls Remains a fuck bucket
Carlton fail miserably
Collingwood fail miserably
We continue to love Max Rooke
West Coast fail because of their illegitimacy
Adelaide fail because of their illegitimacy
Hawthorn fail because they are Hawthorn and Jeff Kennett is their president
Richmond and Essendon are declared joint premiers
Umpires are tortured whenever they make a wrong decision, and in extreme cases, placed on the sex offenders register.